Ground Control to Major Tom

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits. – Probably misquoted from some unknown person most likely the long suffering spouse of an engineer.

     I am a simple person whose dreams are pretty basic. I want to take over the world (I would be a benevolent dictator) I want a washing machine that collects, sorts, washes, folds, and puts away laundry. The deluxe model would also somehow prevent the other inhabitants of my house dropping the laundry in front of the basket instead of in it. I would also like the assurance that the ATF won’t show up on my doorstep looking for king pushover, again. The first wish is probably far more likely to be fulfilled.

     King has two dreams as well. They are to design and implement the perfect barrel for going over Niagara Falls, and to get a recurring role on Mythbusters preferably as Buster. In so far as the world domination thing goes, These can be handy traits in a minion. However, it is a nightmare in regards to friendly neighbor relations. I mean, who doesn’t love a neighbor whose goal is to build bonfires that can be seen from Venus?

    Today’s dilemma is how to keep my darling hubby from aiding and abetting Sassy in her lifelong quest to fly. she’s just like him only she’s dressed in a pink sparkly princess dress. I have to keep a careful watch over the pair of them, while he is “teaching science” because today’s lesson appears to be how to build a working hovercraft. 

     When your daddy likes to build rockets, blow stuff up, and has a working machine shop in his garage, your mommy has to be extra vigilant. Conversations generally run along the lines of “If you cannot reproduce it yourself, you are not allowed to break it!” I generally pay Sassy in cookies to blow him in if he gets any “Really Great Ideas!’ The problem is that she thinks like him now so I am completely surrounded.

     We are buying a new house and the two of them have their heads together to build the ultimate tree house. It seems to have slides that extend from the roof of the tree house, down to the roof of MY house and then over to the ground. I also believe there are water cannons that appear to be powered by fire hydrants. I’m hoping that i am misreading the blueprints, but, I see the signs of a giant trampoline and trapeze swing. looks like the king and I are going to have to have another “talk” Sigh….

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Humans are yummy!

     I hesitate to bring this up, because it’s probably going to change your perception of my family, but, I am terrible at keeping secrets. We swore we weren’t going to tell anyone that I was pregnant for at least 12 weeks with each of my pregnancies. PINKY SWORE, even (so you know we were serious.) I lasted a whole whopping 6 1/2 minutes. 

 

     We home school Sassy. We’ve been doing so for 2 years now. I invariably get one of two reactions. You now think we are weirdos, working on raising the next generation of star trek watching, Lord of the Rings quoting, card carrying uber geeks. (Frankly, we are, but, given who her parents are that would have happened anyway.) OR, you are convinced we are trying to raise an Einstein. (If you saw my math grades, you would give up on that idea immediately.)

 

     In truth, we are living in a very poor public school district in a state that does not value a well-rounded education. it’s very sad, and we wish it were different, but, to be completely honest, I love teaching Sassy. she comes up with some humdingers (see, we’re geeks) 

     Case in point, last night she stomps up to me and says in her baby t-rex voice, ( an endearing mix of a growl and a squeak, i cannot emulate it, because it hurts my vocal chords.) “Mommy, I’m a baby t-rex, wanna be my mama t-rex.'” well , of course I do. She stomps out to the kitchen and grabs some m&ms. She gives me a bunch and she takes the rest. 

    The conversation takes a weird turn.

Sassy :Oh no!! Don’t eat me (panicky voice) Haha! T-rex’s eat whatever they want (dinosaur voice) crunch, crunch crunch

Me: What are you eating, Sas?

Sassy: Humans.(dinosaur voice)

Me:(trying not to laugh) You are eating humans?

Sassy: (her matter of fact teaching voice, suspiciously similar to my own) Mommy, t-rex’s eat meat, and humans are made of meat, right?

Me: yes, yes they are.

Sassy: (shoving in another handful of m&ms) Mommy, humans are yummy! (dinosaur voice.)

     Thank you dinosaur train.

     

 

Let the insanity begin!

Hello, My name is Misty, I am 3 years old according to my child. In the interest of full disclosure, I should confess to being closer to 4. According to my child, her daddy is 2000. Apparently, he either greatly annoyed her or she considers him to be the wisest being on Earth.

Why am I here (bothering you)? I love to talk, seriously. I especially love to talk about my baby girl. How brilliant she is, how challenging, how I sometimes am so in love with my family I want to shout it from the rooftops. How sometimes I secretly dream of chucking it all and running away to Aruba with the contents of our bank account and leave no forwarding address.

However, I also need my friends in real life to still want to hang with me, so that is why you are here. I can type merrily on my way to insanity without causing my friend’s eyes to glaze over and if you want to share stories in the comments, please feel free.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel like All I do is stagger around in a sleep-deprived fog, babbling incoherently at my darling daughter, Princess Sassy who is 5, to “Please for the love of your mother, stop speaking in baboon and go back to English, so that your grandmother will stop talking about sending you to a “Special” school. Last week, she offered to pay for it. When I answered you back (also in baboon) she offered to send me as well.”

I also leave little notes for my dearest husband (henceforth and forever after known as KIng Pushover) and sassy to find, detailing what to do with my sad remains after they have completely eaten my brain. Find the nicest nuthouse you can, preferably in Hawaii, and please pay them extra to disguise my meds in fruity cocktails with the little umbrellas. I feel I deserve that much consideration for allowing you all to turn me into the wreck of the Hesperus.

Before i married and then birthed my own personal path to destruction, I was relatively well-adjusted. I went to work and could converse in complete sentences. I had a makeup collection that made Macy’s look like slackers. I read, i traveled. I was a person..darn it! All of that is sadly gone, Now i am a walking tissue/trashcan,

Before we break out the tissues for my poor dilapidated former self, I should also confess, that I love my life. I live behind Disney world, and Sassy and I try to live in Disney world as much as possible. King Pushover aids and abets this because Sassy is cute and she bats her big blue eyes at him and he caves.

Speaking of caving, Sassy is in the bathtub and i think I see my bathroom walls caving in under 3000 gallons of water. Gotta go.