That would be a problem

Long ago, when we were young and stupid we decided that we were to be honest all the time and teach our children integrity. We would answer all questions accurately and scientifically, no matter how difficult or challenging. We would give them as much age appropriate information as their developing minds could handle. Yeah, we were morons.

Case in point:

Coming home from church last night, it was a little foggy and drizzly, and I was listening to Sassy tell me all about humility. I was reinforcing the lesson, blissfully aware of how soon I was going to be humiliated myself. One minute we are discussing kindness and showing our friends that we care about them by, sharing cookies, and the next words were off topic.

“Mommy, where was I when you were a little kid?” You know those little warning prickles you get?

“Heaven, you were in heaven.” I am trying to divert her attention back to the topic.

‘Then what was I?’ A kid who has a one track mind , that’s what. you get that from your father, why do you never ask him these questions, he gets the easy ones about quantum physics.

“Then you were a little tiny egg in mommy’s tummy. Then you grew” idiotically, I stick to the “agreement.”. You’d think 6 years of this would have taught me better, but apparently, I learn at a snail’s pace. I’m  stubborn, I get that from MY father.

“How did I get out?” This is where mommy tries not to drive off the road. I’m not sure the officer will give me a pass if i explain causing an accident to avoid the  babies question. But, I do consider it, maybe he has kids.

‘What?” Why does the playing stupid thing never work for moms? Has it ever once worked for you?

She repeated the question in case I’ve gone deaf and senile.. I stall. “What else did you talk about in class tonight?” She is having none of it. “Mommy, this is IMPORTANT.”

I take king Pushover’s name and his stupid ideas in vain, several times. Why am I listening to him? Every bad idea ‘We’ve’ ever had for the last decade has originated from his fertile little brain. I sigh.

“The mommy’s body squeezes the baby out. Can we talk about something else, please?”

“Out of her mouth?”

“No, not out of the mouth.” You know what, I think this kid enjoys seeing me sweat. I truly am starting to believe that she deserved what comes next.

I forestall the next question, “Out of part of the tushy that girls have.” Dead silence for like a minute and a half. I thought she had jumped out of the car in horror. Then , I began to hear little almost words.

Llk, Ullk. OUT OF THE TUSHY????” Hey, none of this was my idea, kid, if i had my way, you could order babies at Kleinfelds. Can you imagine the reality show about that?

I am sadly unrepentant. you asked for it, princess. Next time, you might want to stick to asking me about Beatles music, fashion, and chocolate. I can give you all the warm fuzzies you want about those.

“Mommy, mommy PLEASE tell me I was not born that way!!!??”

“You weren’t.” I had two c/sections. Lucky you.

“Oh good. because, That. THAT would have been a problem.”

I’m mostly recording this for posterity so I get it right when I have to defend it to her therapist someday. And also to remember to extract revenge on the king for his charming ideas. I foresee an alligator in his future between this and the canoe trip.


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