a letter to my daughter

Dear Sassy,

I’m sitting here watching you sleep and waiting for lab results. it’s a very weird place to be. On one hand, I feel serene and so blessed, on the other my thoughts are racing. I’m in a place I truly hate to be, waiting… I’ve waited to be a mom for a very long time. I didn’t meet your daddy until I was 32 years old. then, I was pregnant three times before I was able to take you home.

Lovebug, you are the light of my life. When I dreamed of having a child, I never dared dream that you would be so amazing. You are so smart, kind, funny, and beautiful. You exceeded every dream I’ve ever had about being a mom. I love my life as your mommy.

I almost waited until tomorrow to make this post, but, then I decided to start it during the wait. Although, i pray that your challenges will be few, and easily resolved, the truth is that someday you will sit exactly where I am right now, sitting on the verge of your world crashing down and hope that everything is going to be fine.

First, I can almost guarantee you that the reality of what you are facing is not as horrible as you are imagining. the only time in my life that was not true was when we said goodbye to your brother.  I’m not saying that you should downplay the seriousness of the situation that you are in. I am sitting here right now vacillating between wanting to wake you up and pretend you had a nightmare so I have an excuse to snuggle you, and being grateful that you aren’t awake to see me like this.

Next, sweetheart, God is great, He is. I don’t want to sound trite because when I am walking in the middle of madness, I get very angry when people spout verses and platitudes at me when what I want is validation that this really and truly bites. So, i going to tell you that it is okay to be angry, go ahead, it’s okay.It’s better to yell a little and get rid of the ugly, than to keep it bottled up and play the “I’m fine ” game and then become bitter.

Lean on Jesus, tell Him that it stinks. He knows already how you feel. It’s better to talk to him honestly than to shut Him out, because you can get through it with Him , you can’t if you are not “speaking” to Him. I’ve tried it both ways, love, trust me. It’s not pretty

It is one day later, I’ve got my results, they are not what I wanted to hear, but, they are not terrible. Things are going to be tough, but not insurmountable. I’m far luckier than most. I cried anyway. This morning, it was all too much, I thought about you and all the things I want to see you do. I don’t want to miss a thing. It’s going to be spectacular. I grabbed a hold of your daddy and I sobbed.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because, I need you to know three things, I love you more than the stars, the moon, Beatles music and chocolate, if i have accomplished nothing more than bringing you into this world than I was a roaring success. Sweetheart, faith is important, it is necessary, and the world is going to tell you otherwise, but it is the truth. Third, be real. Although you cannot be ruled by your emotions, you need to validate them, even when they are not pretty.

Hopefully, my love I am going to be around to watch you soar. I plan on it, I truly do, but, if God has other plans, know this. I love you unconditionally, I don’t care if you are thin, beautiful or sweet natured, I will always be proud of you. You are my child and you are enough.

Love,

Mommy

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