I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Even in my career driven 20’s, when I was not sure I wanted a husband, I was sure I wanted to be a mom. My path to motherhood was a very bumpy on. King Pushover and I have a funny dating story. Although my grandfather and my father in law were very good friends (as much as two grumpy super annuated farmers can be friends) and my dad worked with my father in law for years, we never met until our 30’s. My sister even graduated with King. I am a year older than Yoga barbie, so we still never met.
My road to motherhood has looked very different than I had planned. The plan was for the king and I to have several children, kind of like the Duggars but with way better hair, and no j obsession. our reality was that i had several pregnancies that resulted in 2 live births.
My son was born 8 weeks early with a congenital heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot. I won’t get into the struggles of his journey as they were many, and harrowing. We just don’t know each other well enough for me to give you all the specifics. suffice it to say that at 8 weeks old we said goodbye.
Losing our son changed many, many things in my entire life, it challenged my faith, shook apart many things in my marriage and left us reeling. 12 weeks after losing little man, we found out we were pregnant with Sassy. All of my prayers at that point, were angry. I alternately, yelled at God and begged him to spare my baby. It ws the most vulnerable and real I have ever been about anything in my life.
Also, it changed my perspective on parenting. Sassy would be a different kid, if I had parented her before little man. Instead of the joyous ,and wonder-filled child I am raising, i would have an anxious performance driven pile of insecurity. She would have spent many hours in therapy blaming her fears and feelings of inadequacy on us, and it would have been true.
Little man taught me to celebrate every small victory, every ounce of weight gained was cause for a party, that success should be measured by the small victories, not by someone else’s definition of it. Although, i wish with every fiber of my being that he was still with us,I can say without rancor (after much therapy and chocolate) that i was blessed to be his mom.
Last night i received fresh perspective on that. You see, Sassy is 5, she is testing her boundaries and the limits of my sanity. She has discovered that she doesn’t always like the rules, that being a “big kid” is not as much fun as she thought it would be, ad that her daddy isn’t always going to back her up.
yesterday afternoon found us in the middle of a war between king and sass, and neither one was backing down. Mommy was quietly planning her escape to Aruba, when she got a less expensive (although slightly less fun) strategy to end the madness. “does anyone want to go see the frozen fireworks tonight? If you two can get along for a minute, it can be fun.” Sassy is frozen obsessed, so she was easy. King is obsessed with bright lights and exploding things, so he was good as well.
The fireworks are spectacular, truly worth your time. Even better for me was watching Sassy vibrate with excitement as her favorite songs came on. When “Let it go” was played she was trembling as she sang her little heart out and did all the motions. Her beautiful blue eyes were sparkling with pure joy. She was breathtaking to watch. It reminded me of how blessed I am to be her mom.
I sometimes forget how much I love my life. I miss making money and feeling like I’m contributing to our household, but, The reminder of how important my role in our is was incredibly powerful. I’m going to have days where I forget, days when I am discouraged and bitter over the sheer amount of minutia in my day, but I will have this picture in my mind of my baby girl singing her heart out, and then I’m going to take a deep breath and let it go.