I have one sister, she is obnoxiously talented, beautiful, charming and smart. Let us call her Yoga Barbie, because although I love her, I’m still a resentful of the fact that she only gains 9 lbs during her pregnancies and has never labored more than 25 minutes for each of her 4 pregnancies. See what i did there, now you resent her too.
I tolerate Yoga barbie because she is wickedly funny, has incredible fashion sense, and makes chocolate truffles. Her maraschino cheesecake truffles are a thing of beauty, and I really hate cherries. It behooves me to stay on her good side. Besides, she has provided me with 4 practice kids. (More commonly known as nephews.)
Everyone should have a set of practice kids. Someone to try your parenting theories out on in limited doses so that no therapy is required on either side. I would like to claim that i was so good at practice parenting that I’ve never made a single mistake with Sassy, but dudes, i have Been that broke-down mother that you see and think you know, I don’t think she was cut out for this. I have yelled out “All right, all right, if it’ll make you quiet, you can eat chocolate chips until you become one!” In my defense, it was right after a church service, where Sassy stood up mid-sermon and announced that “Daddy and Pk4 had tails, but her and mommy didn’t” The king tried to crawl away quietly, but couldn’t slide under the pews. I admired that preacher’s aplomb so very much that we changed churches so that it didn’t happen again.
Sassy should be eternally grateful for each one of those practice kids. They have cured me of all my “notions’ about parenting and how i was going to totally rock at it and have stepford children, blah, blah blah.all the experienced mothers here are laughing
at with me.
Practice kid ! looked a great deal like me when he was little. Yoga barbie used that to her advantage whenever pk1 did anything hugely embarrassing. She perfected the “For shame..what kind of mother are you..get that kid under control” look.
Pk1 once went to pre-k with my picture. It was show and tell day. He stands up and announces “This is my Aunt Mist. She looks really nice, but she’s actually a evil super-genius!” love that kid.
pk2 is an artist. He has the temperament. He is wildly creative and also wildly impatient. Sassy is the only person on the planet that he is patient with. He has spent her entire life telling her that he is her best friend. As a result, he is the current reigning favorite cousin. He often tells me “Mist, i love you, but, It’s not my job to tell Sassy no, and I’m not gonna do it.”
Pk3 is brilliant, creative and in the grand tradition of little brothers everywhere,devious and sneaky. He makes an aunt proud!He is also our outdoors kid. He and king pushover are pretty tight, mostly because they share an interest in weaponry and blowing things up. Pk3 can also spin just about any tale and you will believe it at least long enough for him to escape from the room.
Pk4 is Sassy’s almost twin. There are only three months between them. Pk4 is my only hope. He seems to be the only other person in the universe that can tell Sassy no. he does it rarely, but it does happen. Pk4 is his own person. His loyalties lies with whoever has the bacon (as long as they do not try to eat any) and his mom. That is it, every one else in the world is simply competition for the bacon. The only time I’ve ever seen him take a shine to another human being was with my friend V who happens to be vegan and also kosher. Pk4 loves her.
Pk4 also says exactly what he thinks. He pulls no punches. Once I was discussing how much fat was in a dish i was preparing, and he thought I had called him fat, so he responded “I’m not fat! You’re fat! bubble butt!”
Since Sassy is essentially an only child, her cousins are more like her big brothers, and they are all super protective of her. As soon as they found out I was pregnant with her, pk2 said “Mist, if you HAVE to have another baby, can you at least make sure it is a girl? I have enough brothers!” Sure, I’ll get right on that.